"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for approval, I can tell you I don't have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills -- skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave my language alone right now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will punctuate you."

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Enlarge Our Staff

My names is Dennis E. and I am writing you. I take a position as a manager for work with clients at Comvitabs.
We are expanding for new members to enlarge our staff. We received your resume on geographyjobs.ca and picked you from all of the remaining candidates. We looked into your professional qualifications and confermed to the requirements for the job that we suggest.
At this very moment I would like to declare that your qualifications have been chosen for the place we have recently started.
We will provide you with a very well-paid job offer and your premium depends on the volume of information worked out by you which also contains of a flexible time-table.
If you like this offer please write back a message to me back as soon as possible.
P.S. The ammount of offers is limited

Hope to get your answer soon,
Dennis E.

The preceding italicized message is exactly how I recieved it in my email, with the exception that I shortened Dennis' last name to just the initial, in case there really is such a person. There is a "geographyjobs.ca" (the "ca" is for Canada), which I may have signed up for when I was diligently and desperately searching for geospatial data work. There is also a comvitabs.com, which was for a legitimate looking company called Comvita Business Solutions. Their website, however, also contained some odd English:

We employ Operations Clerk who can direct and coordinate organization's financial and budget activities.
WTo be successful for this role you must be able to demonstrate a proven ability in the field and be self motivated to get the job done within a team environment.
If you have the skills and experience, and would welcome the opportunity of working for Comvita's premier membership organization, please apply for an immediate confidential interview. 

The crazy writing of Dennis' message gave me the feeling that I must be dealing with something along the lines of Nigerian scammers. The email had a return address of  <[Denni's' name](at)comvitabs.com>.  At first I thought that surely even clever scammers couldn't appropriate a real person's email account at a real company, but Wikipedia claims that indeed they can.

These scammers must profit from these scams, or they wouldn't keep doing them. I hate to give naughty people ideas, but why hasn't it occurred to them to hire some unscrupulous person who can write intelligible English? (I might be available, as long as I can work from home in my spare time).


  1. Hmm, sounds legit.

    I'll take two, please.

    1. I'm sorry, but the ammount of offers is limited.