"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for approval, I can tell you I don't have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills -- skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you leave my language alone right now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will punctuate you."

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Enlarge Our Staff

Hello.
My names is Dennis E. and I am writing you. I take a position as a manager for work with clients at Comvitabs.
We are expanding for new members to enlarge our staff. We received your resume on geographyjobs.ca and picked you from all of the remaining candidates. We looked into your professional qualifications and confermed to the requirements for the job that we suggest.
At this very moment I would like to declare that your qualifications have been chosen for the place we have recently started.
We will provide you with a very well-paid job offer and your premium depends on the volume of information worked out by you which also contains of a flexible time-table.
If you like this offer please write back a message to me back as soon as possible.
P.S. The ammount of offers is limited

Hope to get your answer soon,
Dennis E.


The preceding italicized message is exactly how I recieved it in my email, with the exception that I shortened Dennis' last name to just the initial, in case there really is such a person. There is a "geographyjobs.ca" (the "ca" is for Canada), which I may have signed up for when I was diligently and desperately searching for geospatial data work. There is also a comvitabs.com, which was for a legitimate looking company called Comvita Business Solutions. Their website, however, also contained some odd English:

We employ Operations Clerk who can direct and coordinate organization's financial and budget activities.
WTo be successful for this role you must be able to demonstrate a proven ability in the field and be self motivated to get the job done within a team environment.
If you have the skills and experience, and would welcome the opportunity of working for Comvita's premier membership organization, please apply for an immediate confidential interview. 

The crazy writing of Dennis' message gave me the feeling that I must be dealing with something along the lines of Nigerian scammers. The email had a return address of  <[Denni's' name](at)comvitabs.com>.  At first I thought that surely even clever scammers couldn't appropriate a real person's email account at a real company, but Wikipedia claims that indeed they can.

These scammers must profit from these scams, or they wouldn't keep doing them. I hate to give naughty people ideas, but why hasn't it occurred to them to hire some unscrupulous person who can write intelligible English? (I might be available, as long as I can work from home in my spare time).

Constion


I apologize for the poor quality of this image. I shot it through the windshield of my car, and it looks like the camera was trying to focus on the semi-opaque glass (thanks to the various trees I park under at both work and home which drip sticky stuff on my car).

Anyway, the sign says "SALEM AND FIRST ST. UNDER CONSTION". It then goes on to assure us that local businesses are open during this "constion", whatever that may be. And I thought it had to do with all the road work going on in downtown College Town.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Ay, Chiwawa!


Once, when Step-Rimpyette was young (although not quite young enough to excuse it), she had not previously seen the word "chihuahua" written, and she read it aloud as "chi-who-uh who-uh"). We all had a good laugh.

The other day I spotted the "chiwa..." portion of this sign from my bus, and drove to the location in my private automobile today to investigate and document. Not only was the spelling completely phonetic, but the particular mix was amazing, as well. I hope the parent chihuahua was the daddy, and if so, I'm guessing he had to stand on a chair.

This all reminded me of this internet gem. I'll let you decide if it's for real or not.



Sunday, July 1, 2012

Rep's


Sometimes my cable/internet provider sends messages to us via our cable box, which can be viewed right on our TV. This probably seems pretty banal to most of you, but in my childhood, TV was so very, very basic that some of today's innovations still seem pretty amazing to me. I remember when he we got our first color television. I was horrified when a black and white movie appearred on one of the three channels then available to us. I began frantically twisting random knobs in an attempt to add color to this abomination.

Later we got the new technology of cable, and I was no longer at the mercy of those paltry three channels. Remote controls existed, but the only people I knew who had one were our next door neighbors from Canada, so I thought they were some sort of exotic technology only available to the foreign-born.

So, being a child of the '60s, and something of a doof besides, I still get kind of excited when I see the little red light on the front of our cable box that indicates we have a message. I grab the remote (no doubt from Canada) and press the necessary sequence of buttons to view the missive.  And I'm usually disappointed because it's just an announcement of some upcoming pay-per-view cage fighting event or information about a channel line-up change.

On at least one occasion the information was personally relevant and actually useful. We had just moved into our apartment, and we were having a lot of First World problems trying to get all our wonderful technology up and running in the new domicile. We had the cable hooked up, but couldn't get any channels. Then a message appeared, informing us that Comcast was experiencing outages and giving an approximate time frame for a solution to the problem. We were relieved to know it wasn't just our own incompetence (of which there was plenty, let me tell you).

Today's message was a little different than most - a job offer. I photographed it because of the unnecessary apostrophe, but I couldn't help wondering about the message itself:  Did they just send one to all subscribers? If each of us who aren't going to attend were to email Mary, her server would probably blow up.

Was this some sort of targeted campaign? Did they analyze our viewing habits (which are 99.9% Mrs. Rimpington's choices - the remote is still an exotic object to me because I so seldom get to handle it) and conclude that someone at our house is unemployed and seeking work? I'm sort of embarrassed to admit that the TV is on all night, and sometimes it gets left on a channel after it starts showing hours of infomercials. It helps Mrs. R sleep (and me not so much). I suppose an unemployed person might stay up all night staring morosely at program-length ads for the P90X exercise program or the Little Giant ladder system.

I'm half-tempted to email Mary and ask her about this, but I think I'll let it remain a mystery.